give me this one entry.

dashboard makes me remember bittersweet things.
hahahha, suprise.
emoxcore.

of course i wonder how you're doing.
if life is treating you well and if your treating God well in return.
of course i still (phi)love(o) you.
not in the way you'd think.
not in the way you've always thought.





but i'm sure you're still an idiot.

this christmas, i'm a vagabond.

i'm glad that packing all my earthly belongings still isn't completely foreign to me. and you know, i still got it in me. i mean, it's genetic.

my family is short-selling our house. that means get ready to go at any time. after moving at least 11 times in my lifetime, i've learned to prioritize what to keep and what to leave behind. nevertheless, it's all going to burn. but i love how God gives us the ability to loosely hold on to things that have affected our souls for the timebeing.

more and more i'm learning to keep less and less.

less clothes that, in the words of ben gibbard, "hang like ghosts of people i've been."
less stuffed toys (except russel. i'm never giving away russel).
less shoeboxes of stupid "friend"ships past (except that one *points*).

more photographs that i've taken since i've met you (those are the only ones worth keeping).
more notebooks filled with words i would and could never say out loud (except that one fiction "work." i'm getting rid of that crap).
more souvenirs from places other than this creatively stagnant valley.

moving on is a nice thing. however, i've always thought that physically moving on is a better thing. whether that be throwing stuff away or packing my things for walls of a different color, it's liberating.

i'm blessed to have been to the places i've been. to have met the people i have met. to have seen the skylines i've seen. but i could not have experienced them without leaving the former things behind. if it takes sacrificing the temporal for the infinite, so be it.

this christmas, i'm a vagabond.
i live for this.

songwriteration.

i never really knew what to say when people ask me how many songs i've written. granted, i have written a few that were sufficient enough for people to sing along to, but insufficient for me to have confidence enough put them on a record. what has already been recorded are more like demos to me, no matter how many hours it took to lay multiple tracks down.

let's not even talk about the volumes of moleskin pages of widowed verses. well, i suppose we can talk about them a little bit. i find it frustrating that i can almost never find enough words to finish a song. also, i genuinely stink at writing choruses. i have years of unfinished melodies and undeveloped words that you may never read or hear. there's this pang i get listening to songs i've "finished" writing and cannot help but feel unfulfilled and dissatisfied. and i'm the one who wrote them. to think what other listeners may think... "that.... that's it? no more?"

collectively, all these equal bad songwriter.
i have been trying to swallow this pill, but even doing that is frustrating.

i mean, i like writing songs no matter how much of a lost cause each phrase may end up being. no matter how empty the rest of the page will eventually be. even if no one will ever hear it. even if i find another musician coincidentally get famous with some lyrics or melody similar to mine. perhaps even if i may never sing these words ever again.

i will write.
whether you know it or not.
whether i like it or not.
i will write.

commence next life chapter.

driver's license?
check!

dearly beloved.

You are God. Immutable. Eternal. Righteous. Holy. Gracious. Merciful. Loving. Creator. Sustainer. All-becoming One. Savior. Friend. Father.

My heart grieves. The parting brethren, the wavering followers, the unripe witnesses. Father. There are too many them. My brothers and sisters in Christ are treading on doorsteps they should not. Oh, how I feel like I am losing family members day by day. I know that You wish to sustain their surrender, but where is their surrender to begin with? How can surrender be sustained if surrender never existed? The enemy has been manipulating their surrender. Hands that were once openned are being closed finger by finger, by tolerance of sin by tolerance of sin. The world has been made to look so attractive to them. I see a deceiving compromise, an epidemic of the enemy's foothold.

Dad? Have we fallen so far that we have turned a deafened ear to Your Spirit within us? I can almost hear You pleading within the cages of their ribs, but they do not hear. There are voices out there similar to Yours, made just as inviting as Yours. They may even have little, if any aspect of Truth within them. But these voices are not of You. May we follow the charge of Christ to be ever mindful of every doctrine that could sway us. Better yet, may we be so saturated in Your Word that there will be NO opinion, trend, culturally-accepted concept, or humanistic movement that we could accept apart from You.

Your Word is eternal. Irrefutable. Unalterable. Profitable. Absolute

Your Word is everlasting. It is living and active now just as You are, just as it was when You spoke it. It has never died. It has never slipped into dusty libraries with history books and encyclopedias. It is here now. In my hands. In my heart. On my lips. It is all I need to eat and drink in this life. May I never depart from it. In a world of an adulterated concept of morality and knowledge, Your Word stands true.

Daddy? Please hold me closer. I pray that I may love my wandering brethren. I pray that You make me an equipped and informed witness of You. Not one of eloquent speech and convoluted vocabulary, but one who simply bears the Gospel in its simplicity. One who carries the name of Christ with distinction, humility, and uprightness.

I pray that one day, the song of their heart will be that which is of mine.

Come, thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming Love.

Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
Hither by Thy help I'm come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

Here's my heart, Lord
Come and fill me once again
I am Yours, Lord
Take and use me, here I am

I love You, Daddy.

Your Child,
Faith

insomnia spent alone.

finally, an empty room.
with the brother sleeping-over somewhere, my room is finally my room for tonight.
no snoring, no dreams that involve yelling...
yes, solitude.


*reclines motionless*


now what?

trudge is a funny word.

well, it's been a while. i haven't been writing much on this thing as i would like, but i'd like to blame the fact that i bought a new cardboard-covered moleskin. so. sorry, blogspot. i've been cheating on you.

it's funny how fast time trudges along and how steadily some of us mature. i say that because i will be on-campus next semester. it'll be interesting having to juggle school, my M199 [free labor, really, for the bible college doing various things like landscaping and dishwashing for 8 hours a week], working at jamba juice, leading the youth, and curfews. i know the Lord'll make a way for these to all work out. if certain things need to be set aside for a while, then so be it. i'm just eager to see how it all plays out.

this summer has been seemingly short. before i knew it, here's vbs. oh, AND regen. next month? school [WHAT? already?]. after that? matt's wedding. like i said, time's a fast trudger. i find it amazing how i've been able to keep up. thanks, God. You're really somethin.

now, onward to finishing my study for the gathering tonight.

*cue abrupt ending*