to everything there is a season.

so, it looks like i'll be staying for another semester.

i've been praying lately about going to the jerusalem campus for years. YEARS. the time draws nearer that it'd be nice if i had an answer if someone asked me if i'm to go. i believe i already have my answer. the Lord has been closing doors. blessed be the name of the Lord, really. answer: no.

i have a peace about not being able to go. a peace that a lot of people would find bizarre. what is more amazing is the ministry opportunities that are coming around the bend [yes, cliche statement]. it looks like He gives and He takes away. doors are closed, others are opened. every now and then a window. i am competely content with not going.

this could only mean that there is a greater work to be done in california. temecula. calvary chapel bible college. inland valley victory church. the Spirit of God is everywhere and He will lead me as long as i allow Him.


in other news:

i can't wait for autumn to make it's way to the plate. the air is easier to breathe then. the ocean is warmer thanks to our good friend summer. the contrasting colors are inspiring.

but for now, we have summer.
she is beautiful.
but not quite the one for me.
my leah to my rachel.


yet, to everything there's a season.

the fact of the matter.

"things change. and friends leave. and life doesn’t stop for anybody."
-charlie

not too long ago, i had a very unnecessary emotional breakdown. i guess it was the summation of all my fleshly frustration that i compartmentalized in the secluded part of my brain. what i should have taken to the Lord in prayer, i let the quiet things put themselves where they wanted to go. well, this is what i found out:

the world does not stop turning for anyone. may i be the first to admit that without God, i am a very selfish person. to say that was pretty difficult. if there's one thing i know about being selfish, i notice other people are being selfish. see, now this is interesting. i have a weird desire to please everyone all the time. and if any one person shows a hint of frustration, anger, or sadness, i immediate think it's my fault. what a weird contradiction.

well, suck it up, faith.

thank YOU for being a patient, very unselfish friend.
we balance each other out.

the mystery of forbearance.

i suppose you could say that i do and don't struggle with patience.
but patience has always sounded like a diluted word.
endeavoring should be the term.
bearing.
then, it suggests a burden.
in a way, it is also tolerance.
enduring ill-treatment without anger.
this multifaceted thing coined patience has never bugged me so much.

i have a weird ability to permit circumstances to affect me. there is a should-i-be-freaking-out-right-now checklist that everything i encounter must pass through. after the checklist, there is an approximate three minutes of rambling and fast-paced punching demonstrations that occur in my head. all this followed by the reassuring embrace of the Holy Spirit.

God has never ceased to show up and turn the burner down. there is beauty in "let patience have its perfect work." looking at history, it's nothing but a story of God's patience, His loving striving with the heart of mankind. it's a romantic comedy of a wooing Lover.

i guess i'm the beloved.
the impatient beloved.
there, i admitted it.

i'm having one of those days. it's one of those days that after every song you listen to you are inspired.

now, don't mistake these days with those other days that you listen to songs and you get frustrated because you can never write like that, so you go on a neurotic-writing phase hoping that one of the sixty songwriting attempts will turn out decent.

but, no. not one of those days. today, you want to write because someone else proved that it's possible to write how you've always dreamed to write.

white as snow.

i find the process of sanctification humbling, the grip of denial loose, the nature of man wretched, the embrace of forgiveness healing, and the depth of love immeasurable.

the Lord supernaturally intervened today. there was an ache in my head and a pang in my heart from the screaming, jealous Spirit within me. this time, He arose victorious as He raised me from the dead yet again. the gentle hand of mercy tilted my chin to the heavens and i raised my voice and wept. just as i asked, He restored unto me the joy of my salvation.

victory at last.

oh, praise the One who paid my debt
and raised this life up from the dead!

poppa chuck and baby names.

chuck smith is coming down today. that's exciting. i would love to turn to my children when driving them to school and say, "you know kids, i met chuck smith when i went to bible college." woah, mom! that would be nice.

i cannot say that i have not thought about names for my kids. you know, i am a woman with an inherent tendency to have my wedding planned out by the age of seven. of course i would have names for my kids. after experiencing high school, i had already established in my mind that i do not want any daughters. why? girls are stupid. then again, that would automatically rule out the purpose of liking the name madeline [mad-eh-line] and the nickname maddie. okay, Lord... maybe ONE daughter.

this is not a focused blog.
and i have to go to romans class to turn in a project and take my final.

*cue abrupt ending*

begone, ye wretched high school spirit.

it troubles me a bit to think that a body called to unity can be so quietly disobedient to that call. perhaps it's wrong of me to take the example of one and magnify it enough to blanket everyone else. but what can you expect if you are expected to be a representative of the student body. your fault.

you can ask what brought me to this uneasy notion. i suppose you can say that i had a weird experience of backwards nostalgia today at lunch.

i cannot remember the last time someone pulled an extra chair to their table just as i was approaching it... to find these words repel me: "oh, sorry... [someone] is going to sit there." i look around. this [someone] isn't there. i make a silent protest by sitting on the table immediately next to it about-faced. i almost felt more rude than they were. thank goodness for witnesses of this heinous chair circumstance, i was rescued from a deepening pit of "righteous anger."

(of course i'm exagerrating. let's not forget that i'm giving you a nice glimpse from the perspective of the cynical part of my brain.)

just when i thought i left high school, i found that not very many people did.

as the best friend knows the phrase "wow, rude" resonates around every corner as a common expression on the lips of every bible college student to the point that it's almost a sign of endearment. it's funny how i'd like to use that word for what it really means.

Lord, save me.
I'm doing it again.

i should stop this entry before it gets any worse.
before i start raising the old cynic from the dead.
and she would like that very much.

hey, girl-who-couldn't-spare-a-seat.
girl-who-must-humble-herself wants to say sorry.

that's me.